Almost Home

So here I am, sitting in my place watching “Almost Famous” (The Untitled / Director’s Cut / “Bootleg” edition) and drinking a beer. I’m going to write along with the movie, so if it’s seems I’m being random – well, I’m sorry. I’m sure that the words and the moment will lead me along to a point. A point I want to convey or allow myself to see. I just don’t know what it is right now.

Wow, this movie pretty much breaks my heart every time I watch it. It’s beautiful. It’s classic. It’s funny. It’s sweet. It’s sad. It’s all happening. It’s pretty much perfect. I want to say that it’s “real”, but that is some kind of conceit, isn’t it? I think it just might be.

It makes me long to write my own sort of autobiography. (If you don’t know, this movie is semi-autobiographical for the writer/director Cameron Crowe.) I’d like to write about my Dad, and how he affected me. And how his death affected me, and continues to affect me. I have a Mom who freaked me out all the time. I have my Penny Lane. I’m there. I can identify. Ah man Tiny Dancer is playing….

Blue jean baby
L.A. lady
Seamstress for the band
Pretty eyed
Pirate smile
You’ll marry a music man
Ballerina
You must have seen her
Dancing in the sand
And now she’s in me
Always with me
Tiny dancer in my hand

Jesus freaks
Out in the street
Handing tickets out for God
Turning back
She just laughs
The boulevard is not that bad

Piano man
He makes his stand
In the auditorium
Looking on
She sings the songs
The words she knows
The tune she hums

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today….

–Elton John and Bernie Taupin

“I have to go home,” William says. “You are home,” Penny replies. This is an exchange I can identify with too. I’m there. I have to go home – I say that to myself all the time when I’m about to go back to Princeton. What does that mean? What the hell does that mean?! I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Aren’t I already home? Aren’t I going to visit a place that *used* to be my home? The thing is, though, I’m going to a place that used to be my home where a great deal of the people that I love live. Who lives here in Atlanta that I love? Me?

Really?

Sheila always says something along the lines of Turner should open an office in Princeton so I could move back home. You know, man, every time I go up there lately I am so happy that I can’t articulate it. I really can’t, and that sucks for someone who loves to write. I wish I could share that, but it’s locked up in here.

Anyway – then I come back here and for about a month I waiver somewhere between persistent sorrow and depression. (This is pretty much where I am right now, of course.) Then it fades. I get on with my routines. I work. I hang out with friends. We laugh and have glorious and copious amounts of fun. I can walk to an 18 plex and see any movie that’s out now. I can go to a Braves game whenever I want. Hockey is starting up again and, yes, whenever I want I can go to see the Thrashers. I don’t even have to pay for it, thanks to the glory of Turner. I have a huge grocery store 3 blocks away. A CVS not even a block away. MARTA is 5 minutes away. Anything is a walk away. Everything is a walk away. There’s just nothing like the city, man.

Like I said – I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I have an idea of what would happen if I moved back to Princeton. I’d be in that state of joy I described earlier for about a month, and then slowly but surely I would sink into that sadness and depression that I also spoke of earlier. Only this sadness and depression would be ongoing. So…you know…that can’t happen. I can’t let that happen.

I just need to change the way I think and feel about all of this. When I’m going to Princeton, I *am* going home. But when I return here, I *am* home as well. I love this city. That’s what else is here that I love. I love the company of my friends. I love Turner. I love the Braves. I love the Thrashers. Well, I love hockey hehe – but I do like the Thrashers hahahahahahaha. I love the huge movie theaters here. And I love that it’s all just a walk away. I have to make peace with this.

It’s hard, though, when all you can think of is Sheila on the tennis court; or Mom and her laptop; or Kris and his goofy face in the DOTL footage, and we’re laughing at it like we’ve just discovered laughter for the first time (I will crush your head!); or me goofing with Jordan saying, “Ah I don’t like any of you anyway,” and her quiet, yet confident response: “Yes ya do.” Indeed. I look back at her and grin. What else can I say or do?

Ah man the movie is almost over. “Just get me to my bed.” Man there’s nothing like your own bed. I need to go there now.

What do you love about music? To begin with – everything. Yeah, I’m there too. Not so much the music of the 70’s, though. Not that it isn’t great stuff…don’t get me wrong. It’s just not as much my soundtrack as stuff from the 80’s, 90’s, and now. You gotta run with what speaks to you.

Ah! That’s it. If I’m here, I’m not there. But when I’m there, I’m not here. Maybe I’m never home. I’m Almost Home. Always. In a weird way, I like the thought of that SO much more. If you never get to where you’re going, then you always have something to look forward to. Is that crazy? Do you know what I mean? Are you there with me? I hope so, because it’s all happening there.

So now it’s done and credits are rolling. It’s a great flick, and I’m glad I was able to take it along the ride with me on writing this post tonight. What a fulfilling and cathartic experience. If you haven’t seen “Almost Famous”, then you gotta do it as soon as you can. It would be best if you can see the “Untitled”, “The Bootleg Cut”, director’s version. I ordered mine from Amazon and it arrived today. It has 39 minutes of additional footage and it elevates a great move experience into a perfect one. Give it a go when you can.

PS — if you want to see some pictures of us filming DOTL, then just check out the DOTL gallery on the “Pages” menu to the right….

Until next time,
B
————-

How can you see into my eyes — like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside)
Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me

I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here there must be something more

Bring me to life!

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
Bring me to life

“Bring me to Life”
–Evanescence