8/28/2011

Today was Sunday – 8/28/2011. Songs that most closely matches my mood = “Soap on a Rope” – Chickenfoot; and “Already in Love” – Pearl Jam. Just feeling like I rock the world. “Get your buzz on – right now!” Check out the companion photo here: commonterry.tumblr.com.

I went to bed last night at 6:51a and got up today at 5:09p – 10.3 hours of sleep. I got up, took a shower, and went to the 6p church service, which was awesome. The message was talking about how no one can recover from any bad situation until they totally admit their role in it. Too many times, when we do the wrong thing, we always have an excuse for it. “Yeah I did that, but………..” There’s always a “but” – where we will take some kind of partial responsibility for the issue, only as much as we have to, so we can just go on with our lives. Then the rest of the truth gets buried in our hearts where it drags us down the rest of our lives. The message started last week, where the pastor is talking about how if the members of government, Democrats; Republicans; and everyone else all alike, would just admit they have have an addiction to spending, and work to recover from it, then the country could recover from this situation. They always want to blame it on each other, and every other possible thing, instead of just admitting that they can’t stop spending money on nonsensical things. But the message is also about how we can’t wait for them to figure this out – fixing things start with me, not you. Fixing things starts with we, not them. I’ll post links to the messages, both last week and this, in the future.

It all made me realize how, in my mind, I’ve often blamed the failure of my marriage totally on my ex-wife. The truth is, though, that I married her only because I was scared to death of being alone my whole life. I loved her, yes, but I distinctly remember a moment, just before we got married, where I realized that I didn’t belong with her and shouldn’t marry her. I explained it away by telling myself I was just getting “cold feet”. But I knew in my heart that I was doing the wrong thing. So the truth is that if I had just done the right thing to begin with, then we wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. But I went into the marriage with doubts, and that played a role in how the marriage went. I didn’t often treat her like a partner. I made us keep our money separate – and we had separate bank accounts. She hated my friends, and when she wanted to hang out with her friends, as a punishment, I often wouldn’t go. Even though I actually did like several of her friends. I’m a night person, and she wasn’t, and even though I knew she wanted me to at least lay down with her when she went to bed – I often didn’t, unless there was sex involved. I could have compromised more – I could have been a better husband for sure. I’ve never really owned up to my part in that, and really the bottom line truth that I knew I had no business marrying her to begin with. So I want to own this now, instead of letting it remain buried in my heart.

When you make mistakes, own them. Don’t let there be, “Yeah, I did this, but…….” There is indeed often another side, and plenty of reasons why we decide to do things. But the bottom line is that you make your choices, and you should own them – good and bad. My ex-wife was no saint, and she sucked hardcore at being a wife to me, so, yeah, there are two sides to the story. But I own the truth that I married the girl for all the wrong reasons. I loved her, but loving someone isn’t all you need to marry them. You need someone you can’t imagine living the rest of your life without. Blah – I’m getting carried away here, like I often do.

Anyway – I’m so glad I started going to this church. I used to think I didn’t need this. That I could study the bible on my own and get just as much out of it as I could going to church. I’m just too independent for my own good sometimes. I’ve been going to this church since around May, I think, and I’ve already learned so much that I don’t even know where to start. It’s been really good for my soul, I can tell you that. There are several other truths about myself that I buried in my heart, like the one above, and I’m learning to own them and let them go. I’m taking it to God and letting him know that I need to let go of these half truths, and embrace the whole. I hope we all can learn to do that.

Here’s what else happened today. I talked to Mom on the phone about the still growing dysfunction between my Brother and Sister in Law. Ugh. I texted Elisha a lot about her upcoming trip here this weekend, and the glory of Dragon Con. I reminded her that she needs to pick it up in the Doctor Who watching front, so she can get caught up with me. While we’re still young, Elisha. I watched “True Blood”, “Big Brother”, and a couple of episodes of “South Park”. I played some Mass Effect 2, which is always awesome. I ate and drank good stuff. I went for a walk/jog – 3 miles. I’m feeling good. And that was pretty much my day, folks.

I still need to get my hair cut. I’m going to stop trying to plan it. It’s going to happen when it happens. Tomorrow and Tuesday I work from home. I’m going to clean up the place in between calls tomorrow. The place isn’t a wreck as I did a massive clean up job a couple of weeks ago when my brother and nephew came up. But these hardwood floors – as soon as a speck of dust falls on them you can see it. Cleaning is this non-stop enterprise. I hate it. I need to hire a maid and just forget about it. Anyway – cleaning in between calls tomorrow. Work. Laundry. And some ME2 as well, I’m sure. Then another walk/jog sometime after work. That’s the plan, but I’ll tell you all about it…

…After the Fact! Until then:
B

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