CommonTerry

This list will likely grow over the course of time. Feel free to periodically check on it…. Things that aggravate me:

*People who drive down pitch black roads in the middle of the night without their lights on. How can you not realize that your lights are not on?! Are you some kind of dumbass, sitting around at home getting tired of watching the paint dry even though it is already dried, and has been dried since you were born, when you suddenly say to yourself, “Eeeyyee wunna tak duh car oot tunite!” Just so you know, anyone who does something intellectually uninspiring from now on is “Taking the car out tonight”.

*People who whistle while on the phone — it’s very loud to the person on the other end!

*People who chew food, gum, or anything else while on the phone. How about I vomit over the phone to you next time you chew something in my ear? Beeyotch!

*Trying to communicate with most Asian people — they can’t understand me and I can’t understand them. Why do they bother calling?

*All moving vehicles — I have wrecked every single moving vehicle, or device, I have ever tried to operate. From bikes to cars to motorcycles to roller skates and skateboards even. I hate them all. I was even struck once by a motorcycle. That was not fun; I do not recommend trying it.

*Most dogs — they are the animal kingdom’s version of people who are taking the car out tonight.

*People who say, “I don’t understand why my computer isn’t working today — it was fine yesterday!” As if, when they die, they’re going to march up to the throne of God and proclaim, “God, I can’t be dead — I was alive yesterday!” God is going to tell you that you’re taking the car out tonight.

*People who call support the very minute they are unable to access the web or any other portion of the internet. Give it 30 minutes people! Go outside or something. Play in the freeway. Take the car out tonight. Do anything else other than call support and cry like a little bitch about how your world will stop spinning unless you can access what you want this very second. “Right Now” is often not a feasible option in the real world. Hello, welcome to it.

*People who don’t read the instruction manuals for anything they own, and then are annoyed when they can’t make them work. Read you freaking bitches!

*People who have never used their wireless card’s utility, and by some stroke of luck have always been able to connect to the wireless network of choice in the past automatically without the need for normal configuration. Learn how to use the things you own properly, folks. Your car doesn’t drive itself. Neither does your computer do everything for you. Again, product manuals are invaluable tools. READ THEM! And when you’re traveling with your laptop, bring the manuals with you. I can’t tell you where a button is located on your machine when we’re on the phone together — I don’t have your machine in front of me! It’s YOUR machine…YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT BUTTONS ARE WHERE!

*People who want things to happen automatically. Like in the dial up days, people wanted their modems to dial automatically when ever they opened their browsers, but then freaked out when spyware on their machines would dial long distance, even international, numbers when they weren’t at their computers. They of course would blame such things in their ISP when in fact it was their own uninformed fault. The world is not an automatic place, people. Normally, one has to work and put forth some effort in order to achieve desired outcomes. Why don’t you try a little effort before you get all up in arms about the lack of automation?!

*People who make up ways to pronounce words, especially names, that already have established pronunciations. I just got a call from a woman who’s name was Deborah. However, she pronounced it Dee-bore-ah rather than Deb-rah. I knew a girl whose mother gave her a name she saw on a head stone in a graveyard. It was Melanie. However, her mother, for some reason, pronounced it Mel-ain-e (ain rhymes with pain) rather than Mel-ann-e. Don’t be a freak, people.

*People who don’t read the dots in between the IP address numbers. It’s 24 dot 23 dot 30 dot 1, not “twenty four, twenty three, thirty, one” because often it sounds like you’re saying 31 rather than 30 and 1, and I’m waiting on you to give me the last set. When you don’t, I get pissed off because you’re taking the car out tonight. The dots are there for a reason — make use of them, okay?

*People who get area codes and zip codes confused. I’m asking them the area code and phone number of the hotel they’re staying at, and they say, “90210″. That’s not a damn area code and phone number, is it?! Morons!

*People who rattle off their name, particularly the spelling of their name, as if I already know what it is prior to asking for it. If I knew your name, or how to spell it, I wouldn’t have to ask you, then would I? So before you rattle off all the letters in “Mahadevan” in about 1.3 seconds, how about taking a deep breath and realizing that the person you’re speaking to needs you to settle down, Beavis. Also, do not give out your phone number in 1.3 seconds, either. If I have to ask you for your number, I do not know it. I understand that you know it so well you can roll it off your tongue in your sleep, but the person you’re speaking to has no idea what you’re about to say. Try keeping that fact in mind. It is not a race, folks. Say your area code, wait a beat, say your exchange, wait a beat, and finish up with the last four numbers.

*People who call our support line and claim that they are at THE Hilton, or THE Embassy Suites — as if they are at the only location in the world of any given hotel chain. Beavis is taking the car out tonight.

*People who don’t understand what the word “nothing” means. When you call me and say, “I can’t connect,” and I ask you, “What happens when you try,” don’t respond with, “Nothing.” Just because what happens isn’t what you expect, or want, to happen doesn’t make it “nothing”. When your browser tells you, “The page cannot be displayed,” that is an effing error message! That is not “nothing”! Even if your computer doesn’t even turn on, that does NOT qualify as “nothing”! That is an event in the space and time of the reality of your existence. You press the button and the computer does not come on. No lights come on. No sound is issued from the computer. All of those are actual events, cause and effect, and the relaying of such information is extremely important in a technical support situation. So, please, look the word “nothing” up in the dictionary and learn what it means. Stop using it when it does not really apply to your situation. Thanks.

*Men who urinate on public toilet seats. What the freaking hell is your problem?! Are you so completely and pathetically lazy that you cannot flip up toilet seat prior to doing your business? If you are a psycho germ-phobe, then flip it up by tapping it with the toe of your shoe or something. Just don’t piss on it like you’re some kid in grade school or something! I mean…seriously. What ridiculous wastes of flesh and oxygen are you?! And put the freaking seat back down when you’re done too, dammit to freaking hell! Some of us have ulcers and often have to drop several searing acid-like liquid bombs from our asses over the course of the night. If I EVER catch one of you pissing on the seat, or not putting it back down, I WILL kill you and chalk it up to natural selection.

*People who spell easy names for you, but don’t spell their complicated ones. Like I just spoke to a woman who thought she should spell freaking “Janet” to me, but not “Wasylczak”. Gee, thanks, you freak!

*People who call me and they have ridiculous names, so that it’s very hard for me to not laugh in their ear. I just had a call from a dude whose name was “Marco Longo”. At least that’s what he said anyway. Wow I almost lost it…. It’s a good thing his Mom didn’t name him Richard. LOL! I found a lawyer’s business card once, and the dude’s name was Richard Lick. I’m serious. That’s just craziness. If that’s not a license to beat your parents, I don’t know what is.

*People who don’t know how to properly use apostrophes. Words that are just plural words don’t get apostrophes, folks. For example: it isn’t word’s — it’s words. You and your family aren’t the Smith’s. You are just the Smiths. You use apostrophes in place of missing letters in a word, or you use them to signify possession. Like this blog is Brian’s blog. There you go. See the word “isn’t” above — it really is “is not”. But we can write it as “isn’t” if we want to by using the magic of apostrophes. For further explanations and examples, please pick up some grade school kid’s English book. Thanks!

*Women’s shoes that taper off to a point, so that it appears as if the woman doesn’t have any toes. I don’t understand what the appeal is to such footwear. I mean, it looks like you’re going mountain climbing or you want to seriously damage someone’s anus. Talk about being dressed to kill! I just think they’re the ugliest things ever. I like toes. Toes are nice. Humans have toes. Stop weaing ugly things just because they’re the “fashion”, or “in”, or whatever. Blah on you all!

*People who call and ask me how I am, but then don’t give me a chance to respond. There’s not even a breath at the end of asking me how I am. For instance: “Hello Brian how are you my name is Asshat and I’m in room 43468 at THE Hilton and I can’t connect can you help me!?” There are no comma breaths, no period breaths, no nothing except one big breath of a ’sentence’. Look, ball-suckers, if you’re going to be polite then BE polite. You can take your pseudo-polite BS and shove it! Ok?

*Women who use the word “hair cut” when referring to their own hair. I think that perhaps one percent of the entire female population is beautiful enough to wear their hair short and not lose most of their base attractive potential. Natalie Portman can do it, but I’m sick of her hair already. Mandy Moore can do it. So if you’re Natalie or Mandy beautiful, then by all means go for it. Think of it this way, though — if guys really wanted to run their hands through hair like that then why in the hell would they need you? Guys normally don’t want “cute”. Unless there are queer eyes on your ’straight’ guy, of course. Guys want gorgeous. Guys want sexy. For the most part, short hair on women is not gorgeous or sexy. It just isn’t, ok? So, ladies, no more talking about “hair cut” when referring to your own hair. “Hair trim” is bad enough, but I realize that is a necessary evil. “Hair cut”, however, is……..agha;hhgkj . Ah man I just threw up all over my keyboard! Nasty!

*People who respond to emails with questions that were clearly answered in the email to which they are responding. Some people need to go back to grade school and learn some basic reading skills. Reading is fundamental, folks!

*People who ride public transportation every day but don’t think about the money they are spending doing so. I see people get on the bus every single day, and shove their $1.25 (Cobb County Bus fare, that is) in the machine when there is media all over the bus telling us about 10 trip bus passes. You can get them from the main Cobb County transportation center, or from their website. One 10 trip pass costs $11.25, so it’s like getting one ride for free. The same thing happens on MARTA every day too. MARTA fare is normally $1.75 per ride (train or bus). You can, however, get a roll of 20 tokens for $30 from the MARTA ridestores. That comes out to $1.50 per ride (you save five bucks). If you ride MARTA a lot, you can even get weekly passes ($13 a week) or monthly passes ($52.50). I usually buy the roll of tokens because I usually only ride MARTA 5 to 7 times per week. It’s more economical for me to buy the rolls of tokens than the weekly or monthly passes. It’s hard to improve your lot in life if you’re just going to throw money away — every little bit adds up, folks.

*People who use multiple question marks and/or exclamation points, as if more than one of them will make their text more of a signifigant question and/or a greater exclamation. This is less of an aggravation than it is something that I just don’t understand. I even think it’s a little funny. Ok, maybe it’s aggravatingly funny…like being tickled for longer than like 10 seconds every other day. There is no super question. There is no mighty exclamation. “Hello!!!!!” is not more exclamatory than “Hello!”. I don’t get it. “How are you?????” is not more of a query than “How are you?”. But if it works for you, then I guess you shouldn’t let me make you think twice…or once for that matter.

*People who don’t appreciate red-headed women. Redheads are the greatest! There is nothing more glorious than a beautiful, sweet, red-headed woman. Especially natural red-headed women, of course, although a good dye job works as well.

*Red-heads who dye their hair other colors. Take the gorgeous Laura Prepon, the glorious natural red-head from That 7o’s Show. She dyed her hair blonde. Ugh. Why in the name of all that’s holy would you want to take your natural uniqueness and transform it into just another bottled blonde? That’s something that should be federal offense. Throw that biatch in jail! She used to be in my top ten, but now I don’t even know who she is anymore.

*People who get ridiculously tanned, so that they don’t look real anymore. Some people get so tanned that they start looking like mannequins or something. I don’t know…I’m not a huge fan of the whole tan look anyway, although some folks do look good tanned. I especially hate it when the woman tans without the bikini, as I love tan lines. Tan lines are pretty much the only thing sexy about a nice tan. I prefer lighter skin tones, though, in all honesty. Like Michelle Trachtenberg, for instance. Rose McGowan is a good example as well. Redheads who get fake tans are nasty. Blah. Keep your light, freckled skin psychos!

*Women who wear so much make up that I could take a twig and draw lines on their faces. I’m a fan of the natural look, as if you couldn’t tell by now. I hate it when the make up on women is painfully obvious. I especially dislike too much foundation, blush, and eye liner. I get the desire to use a minimal amount of black eye liner. Ok, cool. But when you start drawing around the shape of your eyes with blue, green, red, or whatever…or you use too much black eye liner that your eyes start to look sunk into your head…I don’t get that. Blah. It’s ever so more painful when the chick is naturally beautiful, but artistically retarded when it comes to make-up. It is SO much better to wear no makeup at all than to wear too much.

*Tattoos. I just don’t understand the appeal. It doesn’t have anything to do with pain — loving or hating it. I can deal with pain. I don’t understand why you would want drawings on your body. Especially the freaks like Angelina Jolie or Tommy Lee who want so much of their skin turned into paintings. It’s especially frustrating when it’s a woman with beautiful skin like the aforementioned Angelina Jolie. Would you take a piece of art, like the Mona Lisa, and go all Jackson Pollack on it? Every person is a unique piece of art to begin with — why would you want to defile that? It makes absolutely no sense to me at all. To each their own, though.

*Airlines only have to do two jobs well: 1) Fly people safely from point A to point B; and 2) Get their luggage from the same point A to the same point B. How is it possible that they suck so much at this? Put a person’s luggage on the same m’therf’kin’ plane – and put it in the proper place when they get to where they’re going – why is this difficult?! Every now and then could be understood, but losing luggage happens WAY TOO OFTEN to be excused as just human error. Now it has to be chalked up to jackassity. And we pay them hundreds of dollars per ticket so that they can fail constantly on our behalf. Wow…thank you so much for doing at least half of what you are in business to do like a bunch of jackasses! Jackasses who suck balls no less. Thanks! Thank you! Thank you so much!

*People who speak first, and then think later. More accurately, I hate it when people call the support line before thinking things through for themselves. Just got a call from a dude who requested to be added to a distrubution list (DL)  that he needs to send to. Ok, I will need the name of the DL since there are hundreds of them on our exchange network. The guy is all like, “Uh…I don’t know. I will have to find out and call back.” How were you planning to send emails to this mysterious DL without knowing the name of it, jackass?! See, I’m all for spontaneity. I’m all for not always knowing where I’m going. Cool! However, in the business world not having a plan = FAIL. Too many people are too intimately familiar with FAIL.

*People who get “want” and “need” confused. People are so attached to their mobile devices, the Blackberry (BB) in particular, that they are convinced that they “need” this in order to survive the day. Ok, folks, you do not NEED your BB. Okay? You WANT it. There is a difference. I have an iPhone. I love it. I take it everywhere I go, and use it constantly, so I get it. I understand where you’re coming from, in reality, but most of you are so wrapped up in yourselves that reality does not exist for you. If my iPhone broke, I would be upset as well. I would want it to get fixed ASAP. But I would not go around treating people like a spoiled brat because I “need” my iPhone. I do not “need” it, and neither do you “need” your BB. Get over yourselves…if you can.

*People who cry, “Browsing is SO slow for me <whine whine>…it takes a minute or two for a page to load!” So then I log into their machine and say, “Ok, show me.” You see, I know I’m about to waste a load of my time here, but it’s my job to at least see if what this person is saying is true, and they actually need my help. 99.999999999999999999999999% (plus infinity squared) of the time it is BS, but every now and then I do get to talk to someone who is not a jackass. Ok, so like I say, I log into their computer so the person can show me the problem. They start browsing and it takes, at most, 10 or 15 seconds for pages to load completely – but they are visible and scrollable usually at 5 seconds at the most. Sigh. Okay, people, 10 to 15 seconds DOES NOT EQUAL 1 or 2 minutes. Indeed, it does even equate to slow! Don’t any of you jackasses remember what 33k or even 56k modems were like? Yeah, we can talk about minutes then! You do realize that 1 to 2 minutes equals 60 to 120 seconds, right? Right?! I promise you that 60 to 120 seconds is not the same as 10 to 15 seconds. Seriously, I promise you that more than any promise has ever been promised in the history of promises! Man…we need to get these A.D.D. cry babies away from computers, and indeed away from the general population, before they infect anyone else with their lunacy….